THE 



A F A F 



BY 



y 



JOHN KK 



J- • 



THE BICYCLERS. 
£t jpatce. 

BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS. 





5~5 



MY ELDEST?" 



Characters: 

Mr Rob but Yardslby, (inexpert. 
Mis. Jack Barlow, another 
Mr. Th a dde us Perkins, a beginner. 
Mis. Edward Bisadlbt, a scoffer 
Mits. Thaddeus Perkins, a resistant. 
Mus. Edward Bradley, an enthusiast. 
Jbnnib, a i/tuii/. 



The scene is laid in the drawing-room of Mr. and 
Mrs. Thaildeus Perkins, at No. — Gramercy 
Squam. It is late October; the action begins 
at 8.30 o'clock on a moonlight evening. The 
curtain rising discloses Mr. and Mrs. Perkins 
sitting together. At right is large window 
/acini/ on square. At rear is entrance to draw- 
ing-room. Leaning against doorway is a 
safety bicycle. 

Perkins. Well, Bess, I'm in for it now, and no 
mistake. Bob and Jack are coming to-night 
to give me my first lesson in biking. 

Mrs. Perkins. I'm very glad of it, Thaddeus 
I think it will do you a world of good. You've 
been working too hard of late, and you need 
relaxation 

Perkins (doubtfully). I know that — but — 
from what I can gather, learning to ride a 
wheel isn't the most restful thing in the world. 
There's a great deal of lying down about it; 
but it comes with too great suddenness ; that 
is, so Charlie Cheeseborough says. He learned 
up at the Academy, and he told me that he spent 
most of his time making dents in the floor with 
his head. 

Mrs. Perkins. Well, I heard differently. 
Emma Bradley learned there at the same time 
he did, and she said he spent most of his time 
Vol. XCI.— No. 546.-106 



making dents in the floor with other people's 
heads. Why, really, he drove all the ladies to 
wearing those odious Psyche knots. The time 
he ran intoEmma, if she hadn't worn her back 
hair that way she'd have fractured her skull. 

Perkins. Ha! ha! They all tell the same 
story. Barlow said he always wore a beaver 
hat while Cheeseborough was on the floor, so 
that if Charlie ran into him and he took a 
header his brain wouldn't sutler. 

Mrs. Perkins. Nevertheless, Mr. Cheesebor- 
ough learned more quickly than any one else 
iu the class. 

Perkins. So Barlow said — because he wasn't 
eternally in his own way. as he was in every 
one else's. (J rim/ is heard at the front dooi .) 
I guess that's Bob and Jack. 
Enter Jennie. 

Jennie. Mr. Bradley, ma'am. 

Perkins. Bradley ? Wonder what the deuce 
he's come for? He'll guy the life out of me. 
(Enter Bradley.) Ah, Brad, old chap, how are 
you ? Glad to see you. 

Bradley. Good-evening, Mrs. Perkins. This 
your eldest ? [ With a nod at Perkins. 

Mrs. Perkins. My eldest '! 

Bradley. Yes — judged from his togs it was 
your boy. What! Can it be ? You! Thad- 
deus ? 

Perkins. That's who I am. 

Bradley. Wheu did you go into short trou~ 
sers? 

Perkins (with a feeble laugh). Oh, these — ha ! 
lia ! I'm taking up the bicycle. Even if it 
weren't for the exhilaration of riding, it's a 



962 



HARPER'S NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE 




'HE DROVE ALL THE LADIES TO WEARING THOSE 
ODIOUS PSYCHE KNOTS." 



luxury to wear these clothes. Old flannel 
shirt, old coat, old pair of trousers shortened 
to the knee, and golf stockings. I've had these 
golf stockings two years, and never had «i 
chance to wear 'em till now. 

Bradley. You've got it had, haven't you? 
How many lessons have you had ? 

Per h'uis. None yet. Fact is, just got my 
wheel — that's it over there by the door — pneu- 
matic tires, tool-chest, cyclometer, lamp — all 
for a hun. 

Bradley (with a laugh). How about life-in- 
surance ? Do they chuck iu a policy for that ? 
They ought to. 

Perkins. No — but they would if I'd insisted. 
Competition between makers is so great, they'll 
give you most anything to induce a bargain. 
The only thing they really gave me extra is 
the ki-yi gun. 

Mrs. Perkins. The what? 

Perkins. Ki-yi gun — it shoots dogs. Dog 
comes out, catches sight of your leg — 

Bradley. Mistakes it for a bone and grabs — 
eh? 

Perkins. Well — I fancy that's about the size 
of it. You cau't very well get off, so you get 
out your ki-yi gun and shoot ammonia in the 
beast's face. It doesn't hurt the dog, but it 
gives him something to think of. This is the 
way it works. (Gets the gun from tool -box.) 
I'm the rider — see? (Sits on a chair, with face 
to back, and works imaginary pedals.) You're 
the dog. I'm passing the farm -yard. Bow- 
wow ! out-you spring — grab me by the bone — 
I — ah — I mean the leg. Pouf! I shoot you 
with ammonia. [Suits action to the word. 

Bradley (starting back). Hi, hold on! Don't 
squirt that infernal stuff at me! My dear boy, 
get a grip on yourself. I'm not really a ki-yi, 
aud while I don't like bicyclists, their bones 
are safe from me. I won't bite you. 

Mrs. Perkins. Really— I think that's a very 
ingenious arrangement; don't you, Mr. Brad- 
ley ? 



^ & s^ 

Bradley. I do, indeed. But, as long as we're N 
talking about it, I must say I think what 
Thaddeus really needs is a motorman-guu, to 
squirt ammonia, or eveu beer, into the face of 
these cable-car fellows. They're more likely 
to interfere with him than dogs— don't you 
think ? 

Perkins. It's a fiist-rate idea, Brad. I'll sug- 
gest it to my agent. 

Bradley. Yonr what ? 

Perkins (apologetically). Well, I call him my 
agent, although really I've only bought this 
one wheel from him. He represents the Czar 
Manufacturing Company. 

Bradley. They make Czars, do they ? 

Perkins (with dignity). They make wheels. 
The man who owns the company is named 
Czar. I refer to him as my agent, because 
from the moment he learned I thought of buy- 
ing a wheel he came and lived with me. I 
couldn't get rid of him, and finally in self-de- 
fence I bought this wheel. It was the only 
way I could get rid of him. 

Bradley. Aha! That's the milk in the cocoa- 
nut, eh? Hadn't force of mind to get rid of 
the agent. Couldn't say no. Humph ! I 
wondered why you, a man of sense, a man of 
dignity, a gentleman, should. take up with 
this — 

Perkins (angrily). See here, Brad, I like you 
very much, but I must say — 

Mrs. Perkins (foreseeing a quarrel). Thad- 
deus! 'Sh! Ah, by- the- way, Mr. Bradley, 
where is Emma this evening? I never knew 
you to be separated before. 

Bradley (sorrowfully). This is the first time, 
Mrs. Perkins. Fact is, we'd intended calling 
on you to-night, and I dressed as you see me. 
Emma was in proper garb too, but when she 
saw what a beautiful night it was, she told 
me to go ahead, and she — By Jove ! it almost 
makes me weep! 

Perkins. She wasn't taken ill? 

Bradley. No — worse. She said: "You go 
down on the 'L.' I'll bike. It's such a splen- 
did night." Fine piece of business this! To 
have a bicycle come between man and wife is 




EDITOR'S DRAWER. 



963 



:i pretty bard fate, I tbiuk — for the one who 
doesn't ride. 

Mrs. Perkins. Tben Emma is coming here ' 

Bradley. Thai's the idea, ou her wheel — 
coming down the Boulevard, across Seventy- 
second Street, through the Park, down Madi- 
son, across Twenty- third, down Fourth to 
Twenty-first, then here. 

Perkins. Dully ride t bat. 

Mrs. Perkins. Alone I 

Bradley {sadly). I bope so — hut these bicy- 
clists have a way of flocking together. Vm- 
all I know, my beloved Emma may now bo 
coasting down Murray Mill escorted by some 
bicycle club from Jersey City. 

Mrs. Perkins. Ob dear -Mr. Bradley! 

Bradley. Oh, it's all right, I assure von. Mrs. 
Perkins. It's merely part of the exercise, don't 
you know. There's a hail-fellow-well-metness 
about enthusiastic bicyclists, and Emma is in- 
tensely enthusiastic. It gives her a chance, 
you know, and Emma has always wanted a 
chance. Independence is a tiling she's been 
after ever since she got her freedom, and now , 
thanks to the wheel, she's got it again, and 
even I must admit it's harmless. Funny she 
doesn't gel here, though (looking <it his watch) ; 
she's had time to come down twice. 

[ Bicycle bells are heard ringing. 

Mrs. PerMns. Maybe that is she now. do 
and see, will you, Thaddeus ? [AVi/Thaddeus. 

Perkins (without). That yon, Mrs. Bradley ? 
[Mrs. Perkins and Bradley listen intently. 

Two Male Voices. No; it's us, Perk. Got your 
wheel? 

Bradley and Mrs. Perkins. Where can she 
he? 

Enter Perkins with Barlow mitl Yardsley. 
They both greet Mrs. Perkins. 




BARLOW AND VARDSLEY. 



Vardsley. Hullo, Brad! You going to have 
a lesson too ' 

Barlow. Dressed for it, aren't yon, bj Jove! 
Nothing like a Tuxedo coal for a bicycle ride. 
If our coal tails don't catch iu the gear. 

Bradley (severely). I haven't taken it up — 
fact is. I don't care for lads. Have you seen 
my w it'e .' 

Yardsley. Yes saw her the other night at 
the Academy, Bides mighty well, too, Brad. 
Don't wonder you don't take it up. Contrast, 
you know - eh, Perk .' 

Perkins (turning i<> his wheel). Bradley's a 
little worried about the non-arrival of Mrs. 
Bradley, she was coming here ou her wheel, 
and started about the si ■ time be did. 

Barlow. < »h, that's all right, Ned. She knows 
her w heid as well ;is yon know your business. 

Can't come down quite as fast as the "L," 
particularly these nights just before election. 
She may have fallen in with some political 

parade, and is waiting to v.ct across the street. 

Bradley (aside). Well, I like that! 

Mrs. Perkins (aside). Why — it's awful! 

Vardsley. Or she may possibly have punc- 
tured her tire —that would delay her fifteen or 
twenty minutes. Don't worry, my dear boy. 
I showed her how to fix a punctured tire all 
right. It's simple enough — you take the rub- 
berthing they give you and fasten it in that 
metal thingumbob, glue it np, poke it in, pull 
it out, pnmp her up, and there yon are. 

Bradley (scornfully). You told her that, did 
you ? 

Vardsley. I did. 

Bradley (with a mock sigh of relief ). You 
don't know what a load you've taken off my 
mind. 

Barlow (looking at his watch). H'm! Thad- 
deus, it's nine o'clock. I move we go out. 
The moon is just right. 

Vardsley. Yes — we can't begin too soon. 
Wheel all right ? 

PerMns. Guess so — I'm ready. 

Bradley. I'll go out to the corner and see if 
there's any sign of Mrs. Bradley. [Exit. 

Mrs. Perkins (who has been gazing out of win- 
dow for smut moments). I do wish Emma would 
come. I can't understand how women can do 
these things. Riding down here all alone at 
night! It is perfectly ridiculous! 

Vardsley (rolling Perkins's wheel into middle 
of room). Czar wheel, eh ? 

Perkins (meekly). Y'es — best going — eh? 

Barlow. Can't compare with the Alberta. 
Has a way of going to pieces like the "one- 
horse shay " — eh, Boh ? 

Yardsley. Exactly — when you least expect 
it, too — though the Alberta isn't much better. 
You get coasting on either of 'em, and half- 
way down, bang! the front wheel collapses, 
hind wheel flies up and bits you in the neck, 
handle-bar turns just in time to stab you in 
the chest ; and there you are. miles from home, 
a physical, moral, bicycle wreck. But the 
Arena wheel is different. In fact, I may say 



964 



HARPER'S NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE. 




"HAVE YOU A SHAWL-STRAP IN THE HOUSE?" 

tli.it the only safe wheel is the Arena. That's 
the one I ride. However, at fifty dollars this 
one isn't extravagant. 

Perkins. I paid a hundred. 

Yardsley. A wha — a — at? 

Perkins. Hundred. 

Barlow. Well, you are a — a — good fellow. 
It's a pretty wheel, anyhow. Eh, Bob ? 

Yardsley. Simple beauty. Is she pumped 
up? 

Perkins. Beg your pardon ? 

Yardsley. Pumped up, tires full and tight — 
ready for action — support an elephant? 

Perkins. Guess so — my — I mean, the agent 
said it was perfect. 

Yardsley. Extra nuts? 

Perkins. What? 

Yardsley. Extra nuts — uuts extra. Suppose 
you lose a uut; what you, going to do — get a 
tow ? 

Barlow. Guess Perkins thinks this is like 
going to sleep. 

Perkins. I don't know anything about it. 
What I'm after is information; only, I give you 
warning, I will not ride so as to get round 
shoulders. 

Yardsley. Then where's your wrench ? 
Screw up your bar, hoist your handles, elevate 
your saddle, and you're O.K. What saddle 
have you? 

Perkins (tapping it). This. 

Barlow. Humph! Not very good — but we'll 
try it. Come on. It's getting late. 

[They go out. Perkins reluctantly. In a 
moment he returns alone, and rushing to 
Mrs. Perkins, kisses her affectionately. 

Perkins. Good-by, dearest. 

Mrs. Perkins. Good-by. Don't hurt your- 
self, Thaddeus. [Exit Perkins. 

Mrs. Perkins (leaving window and looking at 



clock on mantel). Ten minutes past nine and 
Emma not here yet. It does seem too bad 
that she should worry Ed so much just for in- 
dependence' sake. I am quite sure I should 
never want to ride a wheel anyhow, and even 
if I did— 
Enter Yardsley with a piece of flannel in his 
hand. 

Yardsley. I beg pardon, Mrs. Perkins, but 
have yon a shawl-strap in the house ? 

Mrs. Perkins (tragically). What is that you 
have in your hand, Mr. Yardsley ? 

Yardsley (with a glance at the piece of flan- 
nel). That? Oh— ha-ha— that— that's a— ah 
— a piece of flannel. 

Mrs. Perkins (snatching the flannel from 
Yardsley's hand). But Teddy — isn't that a piece 
of Teddy's— Teddy's shirt ? 

Yardsley. More than that, Mrs. Perkins. It's 
the greater part of Teddy's shirt. That's why 
we want the shawl-strap. When we started 
him off, you know, he took his coat oft". Jack 
held on to the wheel, and I took Teddy in the 
fulness of his shirt. One — two — three ! Ted- 
dy put on steam — Barlow r let go — Teddy went 
off — I held on 
— this is what 
remained. It 
ruined the shirt, 
but Teddy is 
safe. (Aside.) 
Barring about 
sixty or seventy 
bruises. 

Mrs. Perkins 
(with a faint 
smile). And the 
shawl-strap ? 

Yardsley. I 
want to fasten 
it around Ted- 
dy's waist, grab 
hold of the han- 
dle, and so hold 
him up. He's 
all right, so 
don't you wor- 
ry. (Exit Mrs. 
Perkins for 
shawl - strap.) 
Guess I'd better 
not say any- 
thing about the 
Pond's Extract 
he told me to 
bring — doesn't 
need it,anyhow. 
Man's got to get 
used to leaving 
pieces of his 
ankle -bone ou 
the curb-stone 
if he wants to 
learn to ride a 
wheel. * Only 
worry her if I "where? the police station i» 




EDITOR'S DRAWER. 



965 



asked her for it — won't hurt him to suffer a 
week. 

I In 1 1 r Bradley. 
Bradley. This she come yet? 
Yardsley. No — just gone up stairs fos a 
shawl-strap. 

Bradley. Shawl-strap! Who I 
Thaddeus (outside). Hurry up with that 
Pond's Extract, will you .' 

Yardsley. All right — coming. Who! Who 
what \ 

Bradley. Who has gone np stairs alter shaw 1- 
strap— my wife '! 

Yardsley. No, no, no. Hasn't she gol here 
yet! [t's Mrs. Perkins. Perk fell oil' just now 
and broke in two. We want to fasten him 
together. 

Barlow (outside). Bring onl that pnmp. His 
wheel's flabby. 

Enter Mrs. Perkins with shawl-strap. 
Mrs. Perkins. Here it is. What did I hear 
abont Pond's Extract ? Didn't somebody call 
for it I 

Yardsley. No — oh no — not a bit of it ! What 
yon heard was shawl-strap — sounds like ex- 
tract — very niueh like it. In fact — 

Bradley. But you did say you wanted — 
Yardsley (aside). Shut np ! Thaddeus 
banged his ankle, hut he'll get over it in a 
minute. She'd only worry. The best bicy- 
clers in the world are all the time falling off, 
faking headers, and banging their ankles. 
Bradley. Poor Emma ! 

Enter Barlow. 
Barlow. Where the deuce is that Ex — 
Yardsley (grasping him by the arm and push- 
ing him out). Here it is; this is the ex-strap, 
just what we wanted. (Aside to Bradley.) Go 
down to the drug-store and get a bottle of 
Pond's, will you ? [Exit. 

Mrs. Perkins (walking to window). She can't 
be long in coming now. 

Bradley. I guess I'll go out to the corner 
again. (Aside.) Best bicyclers always smash- 
ing ankles, falling off, taking headers. If I 
ever get hold of Emma again, I'll see whether 
she'll ride that — [Bushes out. 

Mrs. Perkins. It seems to have made these 
men crazy. I never saw such strange behavior 
in all my life. (The telephone hell rings. ) What 
can that he .' (Goes to phone, which stands 
just outside parlor door.) Hello! What? Yes. 
this is 1181 — yes. Who are you? What? 
Emma? Oh dear, I'm so glad ! Are you alive! 
Where are you? What .' Where.' The police 
station ! (Turning from telephone.) Thaddeus, 
Mr. Barlow, Mr. Yardsley. (Into telephone.) 
Hello! What for! What? Riding without a 
lamp! Arrested at Forty-second Street ! Want 
to he bailed out ? (Drops receiver. Bushes into 
parlor and throws herself mi sofa. I To think of 
it — Emma Bradley! (Telephone bell ring 8 violent- 
ly again; Mrs. Perkins goes to it.) Hello! Yes. 
Tell him what ? To ask for Mrs. Willoughby 
Hawkins. Who's she.' What, you! (Drops 
the receiver; runs to window.) Thaddeus! Mr. 
Vol. XCI.— No. 546.— 107 




"TELL HIM TO ASK FOR MRS. W1LL0LGHBV HAWKINS" 

Yardsley! Mr. Bradley! — all of you — come 
here, quick. 

[They rush in. Perkins with shawl-strap 
about his waist — limping. Barlow 1ms 
large air-pump in his hand. Mrs. Per- 
kins grows faint. 
Perkins. Great heavens! What's the mat- 
ter ? 

Barlow. Get some water — quick! 

[Yardsley runs for water. 
Mrs. Perkins. Air! Give me air! 
Perkins (grabbing pump from Barlow's hand). 
Don't stand there like au idiot ! Act ! She 
wants air! 

[Places pump on floor and begins to pump 
air at her. 
Barlow. Who's the idiot now? Wheel her 
over to the window. She's not a bicycle. 

[ They do so. Mrs. Perkins r< vim s. 
Perkins. What is the matter .' 
Mrs. Perkins. Mrs. Willoughby Hawkins — ar- 
rested — Forty-second Street — no lamp — bailed 
out. Oh. dear me, dear me! It '11 all he in 
the papers ! 

Perkins. What's that got to do with us? 
Who's Mrs. Willoughby Hawkins '! 

Mrs. Perkins. Emma! Assumed name. 
Barlow. Good Lord! Mrs. Bradley in jail ? 



966 



HARPER'S NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE. 



Perkins. This is a nice piece of — ow — my 
ankle, my ankle! 

[Enter Bradley and Yardsley at same time, 
Bradley with bottle of Pond's Extract, 
Yardsley with glass of water. 
Bradley. Where the deuce did you fellows 
go to ? I've been wandering all over the 
square looking for yon. 
Perkins. Your wife — 

Bradley (dropping bottle). What ? What 
about her — hurt? 

Mrs. Perkins. Worse! [Sobs. 

Bradley. Killed? 

Mrs. Perkins. Worse — 1-lol-locked up — in 
jail — no bail — wants to be lamped out. 

Bradley. Great heavens! Where? — when? 
What next? Where's my hat?— what '11 the 
baby say ? I must go to her at once. 

Yardsley. Hold on, old man. You're too ex- 
cited. I know the police captain. You stay 
here, and I'll run up and fix it with him. 
If you go, he'll find out who Mrs. Hawkins is; 
you'll get mad, and things will be worse than 
ever. 

Bradley. But — 

Barlow. No huts, my dear boy. You just 
stay where you are. Yardsley 's right. It 
would be an awful grind on you if this ever 
became known. Bob can fix it in two minutes 
with the captain, and Mrs. Bradley can come 
right back with him. Besides, he can get 
there in five minutes on his wheel. It will 
take you twenty on the cars. 

Yardsley. Precisely. Meanwhile, Brad, you'd 
better learn to ride the wheel, so that Mrs. 
B. won't have to ride alone. This ought to be 
a lesson to you. 

Perkins. Bully idea (rubbing his ankle). You 
can use my wheel to-night — I — I think I've 
had enough for the present. (Aside.) The 
pavements aren't soft 
enough for me ; and, oh 
Lord ! what a stony 
curb that was! 

Bradley. I never 
thought I'd get so low. 
Yardsley. Well, it 
seems to me that a man 
with a wife in jail 
needn't be too stuck up 
to ride a bicycle. But 
— by-by — I'm off. 

[Exit. 
Mrs. Perkins. Poor 
Emma — out for free- 
dom, and lands in jail. 
What horrid things po- 
licemen are, to arrest a 
woman ! 

Bradley (indignantly). 
Served her right ! If 
women won't obey the 
law they ought to be 
arrested, the same as 
men. If she wasn't my 

'MISSl'S WILLERBY .„ _,, ... , , J 

'awkins " wife, I'd like to see her 




sent up for ten years or even twenty years. 
Women have got no business — 

Barlow. Don't get mad, Brad. If you knew 
the fascination of the wheel you wouldn't 
blame her a bit. 

Bradley (calming down). Well — I suppose it 
has some fascination. 

Perkins (anxious to escape, further lessons). 
Oh, indeed, it's a most exhilarating sensation : 
you seem to be flying like a bird over the high- 
ways. Try it, Ned. Go on, right away. You 
don't know how that little ride I had braced 
me up. 

Barlow (with a laugh). There! Hear that! 
There's a man who's ridden only eight inch- 
es in all his life — and he says he felt like a 
bird ! 

Perkins (aside). Yes — like a spring chicken 
split open for broiling. Next time I ride a 
wheel it '11 be four wheels, with a horse fast- 
ened in front. Oh my! oh my ! I believe I've 
broken my back too. [Lies down. 

Bradley. You seem to be exhilarated, Thad- 
deus. 

Perkins (bracing up). Oh, I am, I am. Nev- 
er felt worse — that is, better. 

Barlow. Come on, Brad. I'll show you the 
trick in two jiffies — it '11 relieve your worry 
about madame, too. 

Bradley. Very well — I suppose there's no 
way out of it. Only let me know as soon as 
Emma arrives, will you ? 

Mrs. Perkins. Yes — we will. 
[They go out. As they disappear through 
the door Thaddeus groans aloud. 

Mrs. Perkins. Why — what is the matter, 
dear? Aie you hurt ? 

Perkins. Oh no — not at all, my love. I was 
only thinking of Mr. Jarley's indignation to- 
morrow when he sees the hole I made in his 
curb-stone with my ankle — oh! — ow! — and as 
for my back, while I don't think the whole 
spine is gone, I shouldn't be surprised if it had 
come through in sections. 

Mrs. Perkins. Why, you poor thing — why 
didn't you say — 

Perkins (savagely). Why didn't I say? My 
heavens, Bess, what did you thiuk I wanted 
the Pond's Extract for — to drink, or to water 
the street with? Oh Lord! (holding up his 
arm). There aren't any ribs sticking out, are 
there ? 

Barlow (outside). The other way — there — 
that's it — you've got it. 

Bradley (outside). Why, it is easy, isn't it ? 

Perkins (scornfully). Easy ! That fellow'd 
find comfort in — 

Barlow (outside). Now you're off — not too 
fast. 

Mrs. Perkins (walking to window). Why, 
Thaddeus, he's going like the wind down the 
street ! 

Perkins. Heaven help him when he comes to 
the river! 

Barlow (rushing in). Here we are iu trouble 
again. Brad's gone off on my wheel. Bob's 



EDITOR'S DRAWER. 



967 




"POOR DEAR EDWARD!" 

taken Lis, and your tire's punctured. He 
doesn't know the first tiling about turning or 
stopping, and I can't run fast enougb to catch 
him. One member of the family is in jail — 
the other on ;i runaway wheel! 

[Yardsley appears at door Assumes atti- 
tude of butler announcing guest. 

Yardsley. Missus Willerby 'Awkins! 
Enter Mrs. Bradley, hysterical. 

Mrs. Bradley. Oh, Edward ! 

[Throws herself into Harlow's anus. 

Barlow {quietly). Excuse me — a — Mrs. 
Hawkins — ah — Bradley — but I'm not — I'm 
mot your husband. 

Mrs.Bradley {looking up, tragically). Where's 
Edward ? 

Mrs. Perkins. Sit down, dear — you must be 
■completely worn out. 

Mrs.Bradley (in alarm). Where is he? 

Perkins (rising and standing on one leg). 
Fact is, Mrs. Bradley — we don't know. He 
disappeared ten minutes ago. 

Yardsley. What do you mean .' 

Mix. Bradley. Disappeared .' 

Barlow. Yes. He went East — at the rate 
of about a mile a minute. 

Mrs. Bradley. My husband — went East \ 
Mile a minute .' 

Berlins. Yes, on a hike. Yardsley. lake me 
by the shawl-strap, will you, and help me over 
to that chair; my hack hurts so I can't lie 
down. 

Mrs. Bradley. Ned — on a wheel ? Why. lie 
can't ride ! 

Barlow. Ob yes, he can. What I'm afraid of 
is that he can't stop riding. 

Bradley (outside). Hi — Barlow — help! 

Mrs. Bradley. That's his voice — -he called 
for help. 

Yardsley (rushing to window). Hi — Brad — 
stop ! Your wife's here. 

Bradley (in distance). Can't stop — don't 
know how — 

Barlow (leaning out of window). By Jove! 
he's turned the corner all right. If he keepson 
around, we can catcb him next time be passes. 

Mrs. Bradley. Oh, do, do stop him. I'm so 
afraid he'll be hurt. 



Mrs. Berlins (looking out). 
I can just sec him on t he other 
side of the square and, oh 
dear me ! — his lamp is out. 

Mrs. Bradley. Ob, Mr. 

Vaidshy Mi. Barlow Mr. 
I'd kins do Stop him ! 

[ By this time all are gaz- 
ing out of window, < i - 
<ijii I 'ok ins, who is 
n ii rsini/ his a nl, It . 
I'tikiiis. 1 guess not. I'm 
not going tn lie down ill the 
road, or sit in the load, or 
stand in t he road to stop him 
or anybody else. I don't be- 
lieve I've gol a sound hone 
lefl ; hut if I have, I'm going 
to save it, if Bradley kills himself. If his 
lamp's out the police will stop him. Why not 
he satisfied with thai .' 

Bradley (passing thi window). I'm' Heaven's 
sake! one of you fellows stop me. 
Yardsley. Pat on the brake. 
Barlow. Fall oil'. It hasn't got a brake. 
Bradley (despairingly, in distance). Can't. 
Mrs. Perkins. This is frightful. 
Perkins (with a grimace at his ankle). Yes; 
but there are other fearful things in this 
world. 

Mrs. Bradley. I shall go crazy if he isn'l 
stopped. He'll kill himself. 

Yardsley (leaving window). I have it. Got a 
length of clothes-line, Mrs. Perkins.' 
Barlow. What the dickens — 

MrS. Berlins. Yes. 

[She ruslies from the room. 
Mrs. Bradley. What for? 

Yardsley. I'll lasso him, next time he comes 
around. 

Perkins(with agrin). 
There'll he two of us! 
We can start a hospi- 
tal on the top tloor. 

Mrs. Berlins (ret ii ru- 
ing). Here — here's the 
line. 

[Yardsley takes it 

hurriedly, and 

tying it into a 

noose, hastens 

out. 

Perkins (rising). If 

I never walk again, I 

must sec this. 

[Limps to window. 
Mrs. Bradley, lie's 
coming, Mr. Yards] e\ ; 
don't miss him. 

Barlow. Steady, 

Bob; get in the light. 
Mrs. Berlins. Sup- 
pose it catches his 
neck? 

Perkins. This heats 
the \\ ild \\ est Show. shawl - 




968 



HARPER'S NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE. 



[A crash. 

All. He's got him. 

[All rush out, except Perkins. 

Perkins. Oh yes; he learned in a minute, he 
did. Easy! Ha, ha! Gad! it almost makes 
me forget my pain. 
Enter all, asking : " Is he hurt ? How do you 

feel?" etc. Vardsley has rope -end in right 

hand; noose is tied about Bradley's waist, his 

Tuxedo coat and clothing much the worse for 

wear. 

Mrs. Bradley. Poor dear Edward! 

Bradley (weakly kissing her). Don't m-mind 
me. I — I'm all right — ouly a little exhilarated 
— and somewhat — er — somewhat breathless. 
Feel like a bird — on toast. Yardsley, you're a 
brick. But that pavement — that was a pile 
of 'em, and the hardest I ever encountered. I 
always thought asphalt was soft — who said 
asphalt was soft? 

Perkins. Easy to learn, though, eh? 

Bradley. Too easy. I'd have gone on — er — 
forever — er — if it hadn't been for Bob. 

Mrs. Bradley. I'll give it up, Ned dear, if you 
say so. 

Mrs. Perkins (affectionately). That's sweet of 
you, Emma. 

Bradley. No, indeed, you won't, for — er — I — 
I'd rather like it while it's going on, and when I 
learn to get off — 

Yardsley. Which you will very shortly. 

Barlow. You bet ! he's a dandy. I taught 
him. 

Bradley. I think I'll adore it. 

Perkins. Buy a Czar wheel, Brad. Best in 
the market ; weighs only twenty pounds. I've 



got one with a ki-yi pump and a pneumatic 
gun you can have for ten dollars. 

Jennie(at the door). Supper is served, ma'am. 

[Exit. 

Mrs. Perkins. Let us go out. 

[She and Mrs. Bradley walk out. 

Yardsley (aside). I say, Brad, you owe me 
five. 

Bradley. What for? 

Yardsley. Bail. 

Barlow. Cheap too. 

Yardsley. Very. I think he ought to open 
a bottle besides. 

Perkins. I'll attend to the bottles. We'll 
have three. 

Barlow. Two will be enough. 

Perkins. Three — two of tizz for you and Bob 
and the ladies, and if Bradley will agree, I'll 
split a quart of Pond's Extract with him. 

Bradley. I'll go you. I think I could take 
care of the whole quart myself. 

Perkins. Then we'll make it four bottles. 

Mrs. Perkins (appearing at door with her arm 
about Mrs. Bradley). Aren't you coming? 

Perkins (rising with difficulty). As fast as we 
can, my dear. We've been taking lessons. 
Yardsley, you tow Bradley into the dining- 
room ; and, Barlow, kindly pretend I'm a 
shawl, will you, and carry me in. 

Bradley. I'll buy a wheel to-morrow. 

Perkins. Don't, Brad. I — I'll give you mine. 
Fact is, old man, I don't exactly like feeling 
like a bird. 

[They go out, and as the last, Perkins and 
Bradley, disappear stiffly through the por- 
tieres, the curtain falls. 






WHERE HE DREW THE LINE. 

The mau who sold windmills adjusted his 
chair at a new angle, crossed his feet on the 
railing of the balcony, locked his bauds over 
the top of his head, and began : 

" Curious fellows, those Wayback farmers 
are; droll chaps to deal with, too; cute and 
sharp at a bargain. Most of them know a 
good thing when they see it, so I took a good 
many orders; but once in a while I come 
across a conservative old hayseed whose eyes 
are closed to anything modern. One of -that 
sort helped me to a good laugh the other day, 
and I might as well pass it on. 

"He was a genial, white-headed old fellow, 
who owned several fine farms, with prime or- 
chards and meadows, barns and fences in ap- 
ple-pie order, and dwellings serene iu comfort. 

''He listened closely while I explained and 
expatiated on the utility and excellence of our 
especial make of machines; then taking a 
fresh supply of Cavendish, he squared himself 
in his chair, with his hands in his pockets, and 
held forth in this fashion: 

'"Waal, stranger,' he said, 'your machine 
may be all right ; but now see here. I settled 
here in the airly fifties, broke the trail for the 



last few miles, blazin' the trees as we came 
along. I had a fair start, good health, a yoke 
o' cattle, a cow, an axe, with one bit an' three 
coppers in my pocket. I built a log house 
with a shake ruff an' a puncheon floor, an' a 
cow-shed of popple poles ruffed with sod. I 
worked hard, up airly an' down late, cleariu r 
up land by degrees, an' diggin' a livin' out o' 
the sile by main strength, an' no favors except 
the blessin' o' the Almighty. The Lord's been 
good to me. He's gi'n me housen an' barns; 
He's gi'n me horses an' cattle ; He's gi'n me 
sheep an' swine, an' feathered fowl o' many 
kinds. An' now, stranger, after all that, I'll be- 
everlastingly dinned if I'll be so mean as to 
ask Him to pump water for 'em.' 

"And then," continued the story-teller, "he 
brought his hand down on his knee with a 
whack that fairly echoed through the house. 
Of course I couldn't urge him to purchase af- 
ter that expression of his sentiments, and I 
left him. Independent, wasn't he ?" 

Then the windmill man chuckled, as if he 
enjoyed the memory of the scene lie had just 
described; and his hearers enjoyed his story 
so much that when he left he was richer by 
three or four orders. 






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